Dubya News Brief
CIA Believes Bin Laden Escaped Afghanistan; Possibly in D.C.
Tuesday January 15 2002
By Brain Boss ABCDEFGNEWS.com
ABCDEFGNEWS has learned that CIA officials believe Osama bin Laden escaped from Afghanistan, and most likely has fled the region altogether.
In a major setback to the war on terrorism, CIA analysts have concluded bin Laden escaped from the Tora Bora cave complex in eastern Afghanistan around the first week of December, intelligence officials said. When asked to explain why they believe bin Laden had escaped, the Pentagon produced the following photograph left behind in one of the caves:
Next to the photo was the confirmation number of an e-ticket believed to be for a flight bin Laden later took to Washington, D.C., after escaping into neighboring Pakistan.
Today, the Pentagon acknowledged the search for bin Laden and top al Qaeda leaders has spread well beyond Afghanistan. "We've been diverting some of our forces to Washington, D.C.", said Adm. John Stufflebeen, deputy director of operations for the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "Since that pretzel attack on the President Sunday, we have reason to believe bin Laden may be somewhere in the vicinity, personally overseeing this latest act of terrorism."
Asked about bin Laden's whereabouts, Secretary of State Colin Powell told ABCDEFGNEWS he did not know exactly where bin Laden was but said it had to be in the District of Columbia. "Sources have informed me that in fact, the President did not 'choke on a pretzel', as previoulsy reported, but in fact had been 'choked BY a pretzel'. The President described the 'pretzel' as being about six-feet tall, wearing a beard and a white turban. He had apparently been left watching tv alone in the room because he was getting loud and rowdy after drinking a few cold ones. The President said the room had 'started spinning and was gettin' kinda fuzzy when this giant bag of pretzels came climbing through the window and jumped me!'".
"That is not good news for the U.S.," said Vince Capistrano, an ABCDEFGNEWS analyst and former CIA counterterrorism chief. "Bin Laden and his top assistant [Ayman] Al-Zawahiri have now made the fear of snack-food terrorism a reality. Americans will now have to make some hard choices in whether or not to give-up their favorite surgary, salty, high-cholesterol, processed foods, or risk getting jacked-up like Dubya did!"
The American Association of Snack Food Manufacturers has pledged to do their part in the War on Terrorism by offering a $100,000 reward for bin Laden: dead or alive, baked or fried.
Philip Morris to Change Name to Altria
November 16, 2001
By SCHWARTZ KOPF The New Yorker Times
Philip Morris, the owner of one of the world's best-known corporate names, plans to change that name next year to the Altria Group, company executives said yesterday.
The new name, which is subject to approval by shareholders at the company's annual meeting next April, is drawn from the Latin word "altus," meaning "high," and is supposed to suggest high performance, said Steven C. Perish, the company's senior vice president for corporate affairs, in an interview at the company's headquarters in New York.
After snickers from reporters were heard, Perish confessed the real reason for the "high" name was due to the inclusion of crack cocaine as the active ingredient. The crack will be replacing the nicotine currently being used to addict smokers. "You just can't beat the addictive qualities of crack cocaine", grinned Perish. "It was just time for our company to make that move from nicotine. Besides, with the Bush Administration in our pocket, we don't anticipate too trouble from the FDA."
When asked how they will market the product change, Mr. Perish said, "When you say Altria, people on the street won't know what the hell you're talking about," Mr. Perish said. "But by adding a picture of small, white rocks on the package... well, we think that should do the trick."
"They must be kidding!" countered David A. Kessler, former commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration and now the dean of the medical school at Yale University, until he realized Perish was right about Big Tobacco having bought the Bush Administration.
Michael Feldman, a tobacco analyst for Salmon Smithe Barnie, said, "It marks the end of an era for the tobacco industry in the United States, and the beginning of a new era in drug-dealing."
Such remarks are predictable, warned the company's chief executive, Jeff D. Bibble, in a message sent out to employees yesterday: "For sure, you can expect there will be some criticism of this proposed change. But I feel very confident that for the entire corporate enterprise, this is the right thing to do, and it is the time to do it."
The company hired an image consulting firm, Landmine Associates, which developed a long list of possible names and helped the company winnow it. Names on the short list included "Crackin'", "Hot Rocks" and "E-Z Basing", all of which carried connotations of the illegal drug marketplace, Mr. Perish said.
The corporate practice of adopting vague, faux-Latinate names can help companies shed their image problems, said David Thickbod, creative director of the New York office of FutureScam, a consulting firm based in New York and London.
Mr. Perish disagreed. "That is not why we're doing this I can assure you of that," he said. "We are not lessening our commitment to the business. Philip Morris means crack... I mean, tobacco!"
Cheney to California: "Go to Hell, You Liberal B******s!!"
May 25, 2001
WASHINGTON (APE) - Vice President "Tricky" Dick Cheney said Friday that nothing more can be done to help solve California's power problems this summer.
He criticized the state for not taking steps sooner to fix a flawed electricity market.
"Those socialists knew years ago they had a problem," Cheney snarled at an energy conference for small business. "Besides, they went for Gore in the last election... I told them there would be hell to pay!"
The vice president's remarks came as Democrats and Republicans in Congress tried to work out a compromise on legislation to bring some relief to California this summer. President Bush (Dubya) plans to visit the state next week and meet with Gov. Gray Davis to feign concern for the state's predicament.
A group of West Coast Democrats, in a letter to Dubya on Friday, urged him to use his trip to California to respond to the Western energy crisis.
"Look, your Royal Pretenderness, this is a problem that only federal intervention can solve," said the Democrats from California, Oregon and Washington. They urged Dubya to call on the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission to impose temporary price controls on Dubya's buddies who run the wholesale power markets in the West.
"Yeah, right!", sneered Cheney, addressing a U.S. Chamber of Commerce energy conference. "The bottom line is there ain't a 'downed chinaman pilot's chance in the Pacific' that we're gonna do s*** to help those sunflower-seed-eating liberals out there!" He also rejected price controls, saying they are nothing more than "red commie tactics, tantamount to high treason... kinda like what that Jeffords guy pulled."
Asked by a Californian what the federal government could do to lower power costs that have gone from $7 billion in 1999 in California to $40 billion over the last 12 months, Cheney reiterated his opposition to price controls.
"Look, do you really want to face treason charges?!", the vice president barked at the startled questioner.
"C'mon now, let's get real. Since Dubya and I 'won' the election, you should have known the prices were going to go up anyway," he added.
Democrats in both the House and Senate argue the Western energy markets are manipulated by a small number of Texas energy companies, which bankrolled Dubya into the White House.
A bill before the House Energy and Commerce Committee is aimed at bringing some help to California this summer, its sponsors say. But progress on the bill has bogged down over disagreement on the price cap issue.
The legislation cleared a subcommittee May 10 on a 17-13 party-line vote without a provision to cap wholesale electricity prices as Democrats had wanted. Both parties were trying to work out a compromise on price caps Friday, but Democrats said no progress was made.
"We are obviously frustrated," declared House minority leader Richard Gephardt, D-Mo., who accused Republicans of bottling up the legislation in committee. "I think it's about time we opened-up a serious congressional can of whup-a**!"
Dubya Rolls Dice to Teach Students About Life
April 18, 2001
(Routers) - President Bush (Dubya) rolled a pair of dice Wednesday to help students learn about life in a game of "high-roller math" as he pushed his proposals for education.
Combining two of his favorite subjects, education and craps, Dubya tossed a large pair of foam dice while yelling, "C'mon, baby... papa needs a new set of golf clubs!", and used the outcome -- a four and a three in one case -- to show Connecticut school children the adrenaline rush one can get from gambling.
"YESSS!!! In your face, Tinker!" a wildly grinning Dubya taunted elementary students at Waterbury's B.W. Tinker School, as he collected what was left of their lunch money.
The president told the stunned kids that this game of craps was designed to showcase his education proposals, which likewise takes money away from public school students to give to the wealthy.
"Kids, you might as well get used to gettin' screwed-over by this administration!", Dubya told the now sobbing children.
Senate Democrats, who vehemently oppose Dubya's private school voucher plan, were disgusted when told about the president's fleecing of the Tinker Elementary students.
Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts, who is leading the opposition for the Democrats, said he found Dubya's behavior "disturbing".
"I can't believe he would stoop so low. It was bad enough when he ripped-off a number of us senators in an all-night cloakroom crap game last month", he said. "But elementary school kids? He really needs professional help!"
In a gesture to appease the Democrats, Dubya went out of his way to pay tribute to Connecticut's Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential nominee, who tried to stop the marathon cloakroom dice game.
"Oh, I know that it may surprise some in Connecticut or elsewhere in America to hear me say somethin' nice about a man who tried to prevent me from takin' those guys to the bank", Dubya said, drawing laughter. "Nevertheless, I just couldn't ignore the pleas of all those senators, just beggin' for a chance to win their money back."
"Ya know, it's quite an adrenaline rush, seeing all those guys bowing down on their knees before me!"
Dubya Campaigns For Tax Cut Plan
March 9, 2001
WASHINGTON (APE) - President Bush (Dubya)'s across-the-board income tax cut plan, after hurtling through the House, is about to get stuck up s*** creek in the Senate, where Democrats and Republicans say it will take time and compromise to produce a final agreement.
"I sure hope Senate republicans have strong paddles", said Sen. Max Baucus of Montana, senior Democrat on the tax-writing Senate Finance Committee. The panel's chairman, Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, said "My goal is to get as much as we can for ol' Dubya," Grassley said. "The most sacred goal we have to accomplish is to get as big a tax cut for the rich as possible."
Republicans were exultant at the quick House victory. "Our message to the wealthiest 3% of the American people is: Help is on the way", said House Majority Leader Dick Armey, R-Texas. "We're going to do a lot more", he added while rubbing his hands together, with an ominous grin on his face.
"The faster we take action, the better off the American people will be", said House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill. "The medicine needs to get to the patient. And if American people are the patient, the GOP is Dr. Kervorkian."
"One House down, and I'll huff and puff 'til I blown the next one down", Dubya told an audience Thursday in Fargo, N.D. The state is represented by two Democratic senators who oppose his plan, and Dubya -- in keeping with his call for "bi-partsianship" -- didn't even bother to notify the Senators before visiting their homestate.
Dubya later drove his knife of "bi-partisianship" into the backs of two other Democratic senators, when he hustled his tax cut plan to audiences in their homestate of Louisiana.
In opposition were 197 Democrats and one independent. Democrats contended the plan would primarily benefit the rich and was so large it would consume projected surplus money that should go to paying down the national debt and helping safeguard programs such as Medicare and Social Security. They also decried the GOP tactic of pushing through a tax cut before adopting a budget blueprint setting out how all the priorities are met. House Democrats crafted an alternative, that would do more for the middle and working classes, knowing in advance it was doomed to defeat by greedy, trickle-down republicans. It was rejected on a 273-155 vote. It called for $586 billion in tax cuts over 10 years, little more than one-third the size of the GOP measure. It would lower the tax rate from 15 percent to 12 percent on the first $20,000 of income for a couple, and provide marriage penalty relief and an additional break for lower-wage earners. Unlike the GOP measure, it includes no reductions in the income tax rates that apply farther up the income ladder.
"We hope to slow down this gravy train so the American people can take a good look at the fraud that's being cooked-up and served by Chef Dubya", said Rep. Charles Rangel of New York, top Democrat on the House Ways and Means Committee.
Dubya Dishes Jokes, Dodges Questions
February 22, 2001
WASHINGTON (APE) - With an element of surprise, a dose of nervous humor and a packet of well-thumbed notes, President Bush (Dubya) stumbled through his first White House news conference Thursday.
He dodged questions about budget cuts, tax-cut compromises, presidential pardons, and anything else that a competent world leader would deem fit to answer.
Resuming an old habit from the campaign trail, Dubya referred to reporters by nicknames such as "Stretch", "Pancho", and "Sweet Cheeks", though "Stretch" and "Sweet Cheeks" were noticeably missing from the press briefing room.
After 30 minutes, Dubya's watch alarm sounded and he announced that "This conference is over." When accused of running out on the press, Dubya said, "C'mon boys, it's time for my afternoon nap!" When one reporter persisted, Dubya put on his famous smirk and quipped, "Man, y'all don't want to see me more than once a week."
"Actually we do, Mr. President", replied another reporter. "We look forward to your daily mangling of the English language, and your ridiculous attempts to cover the recent blunders of your administration, using words you can't possibly understand."
Dubya stood dumbfounded until another reporter yelled out, "Twice a week, then!"
"Oh, twice? I'll be running out of lies. I... I mean lies, ...uh, TIES! I meant TIES!!", the president insisted.
Dubya only gave reporters a cowardly, one-hour notice of the press conference, instead of the usual day or more courtesy extended to the press. Many reporters had to race to the White House, cursing under breath and wondering why they had kissed this guy's butt so much during his presidential campaign.
Behind the lectern Thursday, Dubya kept rubbing his nose and sniffing, sometimes looking like he was lost in another world, particularly when the discussion moved into foreign affairs.
Asked how he defined effective sanctions, he said: "Sanctions that work are sanctions that when a -- the collective will of the region supports the policy, that we have a coalition of countries that agree with the policies set out by the United States."
Confused whispers of "What the... ?!" were heard throughout the room.
Questioned on Chinese military assistance to Iraq, he replied as he pounded on the podium, "Let me tell you this: It's risen to the level where we're going to send a message to the Chinese... No Olympics for you, ya dirty commies!"
After observing Condoleeza Rice slapping her head and Dick Cheney snarling, Dubya continued with his confused, incoherent, and somewhat cryptic responses to the press.
On possible budget cuts: "Let me submit it to you -- let me submit it on Tuesday, no wait... what's today's date? Uh... ummm... damn! Let me get back to y'all on that!"
Should senior FBI officials be required to take polygraph tests? "No, I think our agents take enough exams just to get into FBI school. Besides, if they score too high, they'll be expecting some kinda pay raise, now won't they?"
On a European rapid-reaction military force, Dubya put off answering until after a meeting Friday with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "Why don't we wait until after he and I visit, so I can tell y'all what Condi and Dick want me to say."
He wouldn't say whether he would budge on his proposed $1.6 trillion tax-cut proposal, though he said he thought the price was right.
"As you know, I shy away from hypotheticals... and anything else involving the thought process", he said.
Dubya steadfastly refused to be drawn into the dispute over pardons granted by his predecessor, repeatedly saying he wants to "Move forward... into even more Congressional Clinton investigations."
When asked about his commitment to separation of church and state, he vigorously defended his proposal to provide federal help to religious and charitable organizations that help the needy, "Especially if it's a sneaky way to totally wipe out government social programs..."
Interrupted mid-response, he fired back: "I didn't get to finish my answer!!" Using that as an excuse to end the press conference, Dubya angrily grabbed his notes and stormed out of the briefing room.
Dubya's Hometown Welcomes Him
February 18, 2001
CRAWFORD, Texas (APE) - President Bush (Dubya)'s tiny new hometown kicked up its heels Saturday with its own version of an inauguration ho-down, welcoming Dubya on his first home visit since becoming president.
Many of the 700 locals celebrated big -- munching on vittles and line dancing to tunes from The Good Ol' Boys band.
Dubya and his wife Laura dropped in for about 10 minutes.
As the Bushes entered the crowded hall, a Democratic Party band, disguised as Republicans, sang "Hail to the Cheat" for about 10 minutes before Presidential Aide/Babysitter Karen Hughes realized the actual anthem has no lyrics. "Damn!", Ms Hughes snarled as she jumped up on stage and began frantically yanking microphones.
"We're always looking for a reason to have a good time," explained Mike Field, the band leader who helped coordinate the choral event with his wife Laverne. The Fields and fellow Democrats fled moments later after some in the crowd began yelling "Get a rope!"
The community center is the biggest building in town, and was filled to capacity with 350 people.
Responding to the "Texas formal" notation on invitations, some men donned tuxedos for the first time in decades... the very same ones they wore to their high school proms. "Ya know, some things just don't never go outta style", quipped Joe Bob Wilson, a local cattleman sporting a lime-green polyester tux circa 1974. Women's duds ranged from rhinestone-studded jeans to ball gowns made from curtains, ala Scarlett O'Hara. "I wanted somethin' to match them new drapes hangin' in the Oval Office", said Mabelline Harris, beaming in her floor-length, metallic-gold, crushed-velvet dress.
"Everyone's so excited," said lifelong Crawford resident Bubba Stewart. "It's like an adult prom for grown-ups!"
Outside, a longhorn steer lolled in a brightly lit pen. Unfortunately, a sudden wind shift began blowing el Toro's fragrance right into the main dining area.
A fitting end to this gala Texas occasion.
Dubya to Close Offices on Aids and Race Relations
February7, 2001
WASHINGTON (Routers) - President George W. Bush(Dubya) has decided to shut down the White House offices on AIDS policy and race relations, angering activists who say the move sends the wrong signal about his commitment to those issues, USofA Today reported on Wednesday.
White House chief of staff Andy Card told the newspaper Dubya intends to close the Office of National AIDS Policy and the Office on the President's Initiative for One America, both created by former, and greatest living President Clinton.
"What matters is political favors," White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told the newspaper, adding that "we gotta do this for Pat, Jerry and Bob, after all they did for us in South Carolina."
Fleisher added that AIDS policy in the Dubya administration will be handled by a new AIDS coordinator in the White House Nurse's Office, and race relations by the new Office of Diversity Affairs, opening next week in the back room of Billy Joe's Bait Shop in Jasper, Texas.
William Taylor of the independent Citizens' Commission on Civil Right criticized the decision to close the office on race relations in light of concerns about Attorney General John Ashcroft commitment to enforcing civil rights laws.
"Has Dubya completely lost his freakin' mind?!", Taylor told USA Today.
Even the handful of Republicans left with a conscience are expressing concern with the President's new plans.
"It sends a signal that AIDS is over, when nothing could be further from the truth," former Republican congressman Steve Gunderson of Wisconsin, told the newspaper. He is quoted as saying Dubya's move "will probably be interpreted as a negative about the Republican Party and the government generally."
No s***!
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