Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress:

It is a great privilege to be here to outline a new budget and a not-so-new, supply-side approach for governin' our great country.

I thank you for your invitation to speak here tonight. I want to thank so many of you who have accepted my invitation to come to the White House to discuss important issues, and watch a few good flicks.

The last time I visited the Capitol, I came to take an oath, after my appointment to the presidency by the Supreme Court. WTG, Tony!

We are changin' the tone of our Nation's capital... shoot, we ain't had this many corporate CEOs, lawyers and lobbyists runnin' government since dad was president! WTG, poppy!

America today is a nation with great challenges -- but greater resources... lots n' lots of resources. Especially like all that precious, beautiful oil in Alaska.

An artist using statistics as a brush could paint two very different pictures of our country. One would have warnin' signs: increasin' layoffs, risin' energy prices, too many failin' schools, persistent poverty, the stubborn vestiges of racism... you know, the kinda stuff you usually get from Republican administrations. Another picture would be full of blessings: a balanced budget, big surpluses, a military that is second to none, a country at peace with its neighbors, technology that is revolutionizin' the world, and our greatest strength, concerned citizens who care for our country and for each other... you know, the kinda stuff that left over from the Clinton administration.

Dang-it, how did THAT get into my speech!

Uh, anyway, government has a role, and an important one. Our new governin' vision says government should be active, but limited, engaged, but not overbearin'... execpt in the areas of defense spending and a woman's reproductive system. We intend to be quite active, engaged and overbearin' in those areas.

We have increased funding to train and recruit teachers, because we know a good education starts with a good teacher. Heck, I like teachers so much, I married one. However, I didn't like them enough to get 'em higher pay and benefits when I was governor of Texas.

When it comes to our schools, dollars alone do not always make the difference. So we must tie fundin' to higher standards and accountability for results, instead of tying fundin' to smaller class sizes and better pay to attract and retain better teachers. Afterall, we can't have EVERYBODY'S kid gettin' a great education, now can we? Heck, that would be levelin' the playing field between the haves and the have-nots -- and that would be *gasp*... SOCIALISM!!!

To make sure the retirement savings of America's seniors are not diverted to any other program -- my budget protects all $2.6 trillion of the Social Security surplus for Social Security and for Social Security alone. No senior in America should have to choose between buying food and buying prescriptions. Of course, after we've gambled away their Social Security money on Wall Street, Purina Cat Chow is gonna start lookin' mighty darn tasty!

My budget puts a priority on access to health care -- without tellin' Americans what doctor they have to see or what coverage they must choose... shoot, that's the HMOs' job!

Many workin' Americans do not have health care coverage. To provide quality care in low-income neighborhoods, over the next 5 years we will DOUBLE the number of people served at community health care centers. That's because, when we're finished wreckin' the economy, the number of people living in these low-income neighborhoods will be DOUBLE.

Too many of our citizens have cause to doubt our Nation's justice when the law points a finger of suspicion at groups, instead of individuals. All our citizens are created equal and must be treated equally. Earlier today I asked Attorney General Ashcroft to develop specific recommendations to end racial profilin'. He just looked at me like I was crazy, 'til I smirked and said, "C'mon, John. Just play along like I do."

We should also prepare for the unexpected, for the uncertainties of the future. We should approach our Nation's budget as any prudent family would, with a contingency fund for emergencies or additional spendin' needs. For example, whenever I got into a jam after making another bad business deal, I'd just pick up the phone and call dad. "Oh no, not again!", he'd yell. But after a heated argument with mom over whether or not to disown me, he'd always bail me out. Now that's what I call a contingency plan!

The growin' surplus exists because taxes are too high and government is chargin' more than it needs. Okay, let's be a little honest here. The surplus exists because of the sound economic policies of the Clinton administration and the hard work of average Americans. Also under Clinton, income taxes actually decreased for the average American, while taxes were raised for the rich. Well, I'm here tonight on behalf of the rich to say that we've been overcharged and we demand a refund! To create economic growth and opportunity, we must put money back into the hands of the people who most DESERVE to live the good life! As for the little guys, let 'em eat cake... or cake crumbs. Hey "Supply-side, trickle-down" works, people! Don't y'all remember the 80's?!

Our Nation also needs a clear strategery to confront the threats of the 21st century, threats that are more widespread and less certain. They range from terrorists who threaten with bombs to tyrants and rogue nations intent on developin' weapons of mass destruction. To protect our own people, our allies and friends, we must develop and we must deploy fantastic, imaginary missile defenses, just like the ones in Hollywood movies. Hey, if George Lucas can build Deflector Shields, so can the U.S. military! God Bless America!

A strong America is the world's best hope for peace and freedom, 'cause other countries just don't know how to do it. Yet the cause of freedom rests on more than our ability to defend ourselves and our allies. American-led Globalization and Free Trade bring greater political and personal freedom... just ask any 8-year-old workin' in an American-owned sweatshop in Malaysia.

As we meet tonight, many citizens are strugglin' with the high costs of energy. We have a serious energy problem that demands a national energy policy. The West is confronting a major energy shortage that has resulted in high prices and uncertainty, thanks to my friends at Enron. I have asked Federal agencies to work with California officials to help speed construction of new energy sources, namely offshore drilling rigs. And I have directed Vice President Cheney (yeah right! Like I tell HIM what to do!), Commerce Secretary Evans, Energy Secretary Abraham, and other Big-Oil-lovin' senior members of my Administration to recommend a national energy (oil) policy.

This spring I will form a presidential commission to reform Social Security. This new "Social Security Lotto" commission will make its recommendations by next fall. Reform should be based on these principles: It must make the benefits of all current retirees and those nearin' retirement easily cashable for immediate Wall Street investment; and it must be FUN. Nobody's gonna want to play the market if they can't have a little fun. You know, kinda like a casino. We could even have showgirls serving drinks down on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. And Wayne Newton could sing for 'em, like he did for me. He's reeeal good, you know!

Look, we all came here tonight for a reason... ratings. Hopefully, enough people are watching me and believin' this horse-hockey I've been shoveling the past hour.

Viva la Bush Junta!!!

I... I mean, "juntos podemos", together we can. Together, we can share in the credit of takin' our country back for the wealthy -- and earn from our constituencies in Big Oil and the Taliban-wing of the GOP, the highest possible praise: well done, good and faithful servants.

Thank you. Good night. And thank goodness I didn't screw-up this speech like I did that press conference last week!